What is Food?

TW: mentions of restrictive eating

Friends always tell me that food is fuel. Fuel for the day. Fuel for your workout. Calories you intake to replenish the calories you have burned.

I beg to differ. 

Over the past year and a half of my life, viewing food as ONLY fuel put me in a place of dissatisfaction. What started out as wanting to lose a little weight after quarantine, spiraled into something much more dangerous than I ever thought was possible. I was under-fueling and exercising to my max—so much that it became an obsession. I was exercising simply for the sake of burning more calories, eliminating dessert, eating fruit for lunch, avoiding cake on my 18th birthday, and so much other crazy s**t I stupidly put myself through.

When I went to get my physical exam in the summer of 2021, my doctor almost sent me to the hospital. My mother was shocked and so was I. 

Flash forward a few months later, I started my food instagram account in the middle of my freshman year of college. After mostly recovering from the weight loss the summer prior, I had embarked on my college journey with my head held high. However, it wasn’t before long that stress and anxiety crept back in and I slipped back into old habits while maintaining a vigorous training schedule. I was weak and confused on how I was working so hard yet performing so poorly in my sport—and while everyone saw nothing but a smile on the outside, a LOT was going on in my mind on the inside. 

It was sitting in the dining hall thinking about food instead of the conversations I was having with friends, being hungry in the library but not allowing myself to get lunch, and my apple watch sending notifications that my heart-rate was too low during Organic Chemistry. There’s so much more to be said about how draining having an eating disorder is, but these are all the words I have for now.

Over this past late spring and summer of 2022, I have put my head down for once and have focused on recovering physically, but more importantly, mentally. Some days are definitely easier than others—but one thing I’ve learned is that happiness truly comes from memories and experiences… and I can’t have those if I’m thinking about food 24/7. I’ve learned that food is so much more than calories and that it is truly part of the human existence. It brings people together and even allows you to experience new cultures and identities, as seen through my posts on @notjustpaastha.

 I’ve also learned to not be scared of weight gain and that as cheesy as it may sound, your body isn’t meant to look a certain way, but is meant to help perform your daily activities. Even on days I may dislike the way I look or feel—which to be honest is unavoidable—I have tried to remember all the things my body lets me do everyday. It allows me to stand and walk to my nearest coffee shop, it allows me to swim endless laps in a pool without my fingers going numb, it allows me to carry and lift things, and so much more. Yeah, I might have gained some weight, but I’ve also gained things that are so much grander–my ability to feel, participate in conversations with friends, workout without the fear of passing out, and a less worried mother.  

There’s so much more that I hope to continue to learn as I navigate this journey of recovering and changing my mentality when it comes to my relationship with food and body image. I hope that as I keep you updated on my food adventures, recipes, and posts, I’ll be able to share even more of my experiences and new-found appreciations.

For now, that is all. As always, feel free to send me a message :)

NJP